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falling and falling and friends

Justine ask me to write here to her and all friends. Please forgive English is so bad. Forgive please bad words. The heart is not feeling too much polite. But. I try very hard.

Justine write to me in my blog ask about my dear friend. I write this next in there. Repeat here...

Dear Justine,

Sweet friend do not say sorry when you enjoy your life in these special ways. Istanbul is not a city I see before. Why you love it so much? Is the food? Or people? Or market? This I love to know of.

Please to excuse poor English. I am away from Sydney one month only and my writing fail so. I try more.

Really you are one of the hardworking people in the world. Always moving to do one thing more. The heart must admire this strong mind. I do of course.

Dear I give the warm feeling from my heart for your broken house. Your partner must cry. It is a good thing. Take away that sad and the strong may come once more inside the heart for build those new things. You are that good friend listen to the cry. She will love you for this even she maybe cannot say it. The heart will hold this precious time. I find ‘butchie’ in my dictionary. Couple must have one like this can push some lazy builder or other people. This way the happy life can be balance. OMG! Yumi write like some monk. Shame on me. But. It is inside my heart these things. I send this big kiss for both you.

Do not worry. You talk of you. I talk of me. It is how friends do talk. I like this way. It is how I learn life. Try for all thing must have the order.

Thank you my warm Justine. My friend did not recover. In the night she left the life. In the quiet night when all friends of her all sleep the life went out from her body. Now that spirit may fly as birds she truly did love. In her home so many birds. Some of those birds now live in the home of her parents after one is give for each friend who visit hospital. I give to the friend who own the flower shop who rent my home in Tokyo. She is the lover of birds also. I cannot take to Sydney when I go at some time.

After that beautiful friend left from life I did so shameful things. I am ok when she is burn and I talk with her family. I honor that friend in deep way. It is the honor for me I may be there for her body turn to dust and bone. No tear did come from my eye. It is important for strong and support family of my friend. We leave after ceremony with eye red and heart like cold stone inside.

But then. After then. In the night. I go to some club I do not remember. I drink and drink and drink and maybe do stupid thing. Forget med and maybe dance. I wake in the morning. I am in bed of a girl I do not know. I get sick on her bed then go.

One week I do same and same. Drink and dance and new girl new sex new bed. Eat little and drink much. No medicine. I am up like airplane and down like heavy stone. Bo-polar I do not care. Live or die I do not care. Memory is Lisa like the big nail inside my heart. Memory of Miki is one more big nail inside my heart. All I feel in this time all life is death. No need for good. No need for live special life. All will be die. Do not care. Drink and dance and fuck and sick and drink and over and over and over.

Then friends arrest me inside the house. I scream. I say so many bad words. I say words of hate to that good friends. They feed me and medicine to me and water to me. Only I wish to bad things. I do not care.

One week friends give to me the love and love and love. All week I give to friends hate and hate and hate. Then. One day. I do not hate that friends. One day that love come back inside me little bit. Then. Cry and cry and cry. Cry for friend who die. Cry for me who also die. Inside my heart one more part is die.

Now it is more weeks after. Now have the medicine. But. Heart is down and down. Maybe after time it will up once more.

Toshiko call me many times. "When you come back to Sydney?"
"I do not know."
"I do not know? Forgive me."
"I forgive."
"I love you."

Maybe soon. I love Toshiko but I cannot give love now. Soon. I hope soon.


Writer's Block: Food glorious food

If you could get a free, unlimited supply of one food for life, what would you choose?


A poem to my girl Tosh

Secret Sense

Gentle sun through window shines,

A single flower in a glass,

Vivid crimson, secret sign,

A tingle with each glance.

Professional and all the while

A fire simmers in the heart,

Dinner plans, dessert deferred,

A tender evening treat. 

what it is like and how it feels

 maybe what it looks like is not how it feels

Recently an old friend became a new girlfriend. There is no way to explain how it happens in this way. It just happens in this way sometimes.

I love to write but lately I have forgotten everything I normally do except for running. That I do every day.

It is like all of my mind is full of this girl. Tosh (Toshiko) was one of my friends for so long I did not ever think she would become so much to me. Of course I love all my dear friends. But. This feeling is very different.

Life has become like a cartoon. When I try to work or to think of something Tosh comes into my mind. This is not good. Since I was small I have to take care of myself. I do not feel this way before. My last girlfriend I feel great love. We did not have enough time together before she was gone away. Maybe it would be this way too. I could not ever know. When she died I died too. But. This is even different from that love. If this is truly love.

When you meet someone new who captures your heart like my butterfly heart has been captured do you forget your life too? How does it change you? Does it change you? I would love to know.

old name

 Today I asked Tosh why did her parents call her Toshiko? It is a strange name to have in these times. It is an old name from far far away in the past. Really she is the first I have known who has such name.

It was her father who wished to name her Toshiko. This was the name of his grandmother. That woman was known in her village for her sharp mind and for her clever hands. Truly in this culture this name has the meaning of genius child. Tosh is so smart with business maybe it is a good name for her to be give by her family.

Tosh told me her classmates did make jokes to her when she attended school. ‘Old woman’ those children would say. And other unkind names. This is life I suppose. I was lucky. My classmates called me butterfly. I was always moving about from this place to that place in our play area. Really my name means walking. It is amusing because now I love walking and running.

Today is a strange day. I find that I am writing in some old style. It seems to be so formal. Maybe my heart is so soft in feeling and my hand is guide by old spirits. Really I visited Tosh to eat with her in the lunch break and when I saw her my belly did have some nervous feeling. Am I unwell? Is it Tosh? I hope it is Tosh!

Ok now I must finish here. Tonight I promised to Tosh that I make dinner in my home. I hope her belly is not weak. *giggle*


愛の生活 – Ai no seikatsu – love life
Later, Yumi

is it for me?

 After I run this morning I walked a while around the places I live. I asked my self many questions.

Is it for me? Love I mean. In this life I loved only two times. First time maybe it was only that thing some call crush. I was young. It was all new. It did not last so long. Aki was older. She took care me. But. She wanted to own me. One year and half it was over. Second time it was real. It was strong. I could not control my heart. We had some problem of course. It was repaired. There was the feeling in my heart this will be forever. Lisa died. I was broken.

The heart can be like the stone. Cold and hard.

This was my heart. A long time it was this way. The smile on my face was not real. The happy talk was not real. The emotion in my work was not real. Behind the paper mask was the cold sea bottom.

Maybe one year ago the sun did find me once more. I decide then to begin live again. Leave the work I knew. Find the nature world. Find the friends once more. My heart could start to warm. Balance would come to me. Party and spirit and friends and earth.


Love I still do not know. Maybe there is happy life without love. It is not empty. It is not lonely. There is peace in this life with no love of one other human.

But. There is Tosh. Toshiko was a friend for a long time. Before Lisa. After Lisa. In the time of the dark. Only a friend. Special in no special way. We talked a lot. Nothing special only every day things. One of those friends you will know still when you are old. Comfortable like a warm coat in winter time.

Then. Shanghai.

Pretty lights. High up. Quiet. It was like some movie. We look each other. Search eyes. The slow fire begins.

We went into the bed Saturday night. It was the first time we go to the bed together. It was sex. But. Different sex. Not careful. Not carefree. Like the tree and the wind.

Now I ask my self . Is it for me? Toshiko has love me from the first day we meet 5 years ago she told me. How can it be true? When the end arrives will I be broken once more? Maybe it is better I share my heart with the nature. The tree and the sky and the earth. They are always.

I wish in my heart Old Mister Stone was here I may ask. He is a real stone so ancient. He is more wise than me.


愛の生活 - Ai no seikatsu – love life

Later, Yumi

Writer's Block: Almost like a song

How would you describe your ideal romantic partner in six words?

My freedom so precious to her.
What goals do you hope to achieve by the end of this year?

This year I hope I may find the deepest part in my heart.


 I wish all who are here may have the great New Year time. 

BIG dance party tonight @ Womb in Tokyo!!!!

With all love from Yumi....HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Yumi is better now

Hello dear friends of Lisa and me,

It has been long time and sometimes not even one minute that Lisa is gone. I do not cry for us now. Now is a new life.

Maybe you can see I have study English for a while. It is improve a lot. Oh that is too proud to say but I only mean it is easier now to write to friends.

If you would like to be in touch again I write in another place. It is called Yumi's Private Loft and you may find it at here http://yumiloft.wordpress.com

I will be happy to see you there.

Love to all